Here I go

One week today I’m going to speak to a stranger about my anxiety for the first time ever. I’m terrified.

I don’t know how long I’ve had anxiety (or depression), and I don’t know when it first started. I feel like it’s always been a part of me that I’ve struggled with. When I started school, I would be too nervous to answer the register, so I would just raise my hand, if a teacher picked on me to answer a question I would just silently stare at them and cry, I would only speak to one or two people. Everyone said I was weird and shy, but maybe this was the beginning of my social anxiety.

Everything went bad when I was at college, during these two years I had no friends at all, my grandma died, and I had absolutely nobody to talk to about it. All I did was go to college and then come home and sit in my room and cry, I was at the lowest point in my life, suicidal, and very very alone.

Today, as a 21-year-old, the worst two years of my life are over, I’m studying at university and living away from home, still trying to cope, but doing a lot better. I have friends now, so that’s good progress.

My anxiety stops me from doing so many things that everyone else around me finds so easy. Nobody else seems to fall silent during group conversations, avoid going to lectures because the thought of socialising is terrifying, vomit before doing a presentation, or cancel an evening with friends at the last minute because you have an awful feeling something will go wrong.

A few weeks ago, I decided, with a lot of support from my boyfriend, to start getting help. I emailed the university health and well being centre, and my first meeting is next week. I’m beyond nervous but also excited to finally be a step closer to living an easier life.

I know I’ll probably never be completely anxiety or depression free but being able to cope with it better and make daily life easier are my main goals.

You’ve probably gathered what this blog is going to be about. I want to log my journey and also share it with others going through the same thing. I want to share the good days and the bad. The ups and downs. What helps me cope and what triggers my anxiety attacks. If nobody reads, that’s ok, I want to be able to write and process my feelings.

Let the journey begin.

Annesar x

Author: annesar

In my early 20's, currently living away from home, studying at university. Suffering awfully with anxiety and depression, trying to find a way through that. Probably procrastinating.

13 thoughts on “Here I go”

  1. I have also suffered with anxiety and depression before when I was 17 so I understand how difficult it is. I’m so glad that you’re slowly getting better, it’s awful to suffer with a mental illness alone. I hope everything goes well and I’m wishing you all the best. Stay strong.
    Love, Jade x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I also suffered and still do with anxiety, depression and also OCD. You’ll never be free of it but you will just learn to deal with it better and it will hide away and not bother you so much. Positivity is a key in your journey to feeling better and you will get there. Any relapses in your treatment always feel different because you recognise it 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for such a lovely comment! I’m usually such a positive person, but applying that positivity to how I’m feeling mentally can be difficult, but I am slowing learning to cope more and more. X

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re very brave and stronger than you think. I can completely relate to everything you’ve written. You’re not alone. Thanks for candidly sharing your story. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

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